She was always that girl who sat in class quietly. If you tried to talk to her, she was awkward. If you kept on talking to her, she would fear what your motives would be. If you got her into a debate, she would start to talk. If you opened up to her, she would start to talk. She would not open up to you though. She was the kind of girl that listened. You could try to pry her open, but she wouldn't budge. She didn't lie either. She worked her hardest to make sure whatever she told you was true. Except she would lie. If you asked her how she was, she would lie. If you asked her what was wrong, she would lie. To her, how she is doesn't matter. It's not her job to talk about her feelings. That is your job. Her job is to stand strong, advise, help, listen, be everything you needed. Sometimes something might slip. She might tell you she is upset or angry. She might even tell you what is wrong. Afterwards, she would regret it. She would beat herself up for speaking. She broke her rules. It's her job to hold you up. She always has to be strong. She always has to be okay. She might tell you of stories when she wasn't okay, but only to make a point. She was only allowed to not be okay in the past, never the present. You will never know how much she suffers or how much pain she is in....You will never know how many tears she cries or how hard her life is. You won't know of the things that plague her mind day in and day out. You will never know how much she hates herself. You will never know how much she needs to break down, how much she needs someone just like her. She needs someone to be strong for her. She needs someone to love her and care about her. She needs someone who will do anything for her, who will put in as much effort for her as she puts in for others. She needs someone who will look at her in they eye when she lies and say "Now tell me the truth". She needs a person to let her fall and break and crawl on her scraped hands and knees without falling themselves. She needs them to then pick her up and dust her off like she would for others. She needs someone who will drop everything, even if it gets them in trouble, just to be there for her. She needs someone who will listen to her, let her speak, yell, rant, scream, cry until it's all out like she lets others do. She needs that person to listen to her, without them falling apart. She needs someone who understands her hell, but who is strong enough to learn her, to see her, to hear her. She needs someone like herself. But she will never tell you this. She cannot ever tell you this. She might try to show you. She may try to encrypt it so the rules she feels she must follow will not see or stop her. She may try to tell you...but you probably won't understand when she does.. She just can't straight out tell you. In her mind that makes her weak. It says she is pathetic. She holds herself to different standards and rules then she holds herself too. If you cry or speak up, it is strength. If she does it, it is pure weakness deserving of punishment. If she cries in front of you, she is stupid and weak. She cannot be honest with you about herself because she has to pretend. She has to wear this mask. No matter how much you might think you know the pain she is in or how much she is suffering...you won't even know half of it. If you ever understood or found out, she would break. Like a artifact dropped on the floor she would shatter to pieces. She would lose her voice. She would hate herself. She wouldn't know what to do. Still, she needs this. Even though it would nearly kill her for you to see...she needs you to see. Even though she wouldn't know what to say or how to act if you ever saw...she needs you to see. In some ways, maybe it's better that you can't see. Saves her the initial hell she would have to endure before it did her any good. She can't heal without it...But with it...she would have to fall further first. It doesn't really matter though because she can't tell you. She cannot be weak. She can not let anyone know she isn't as strong as she pretend to be. She isn't strong at all. She has to suffer her hell alone so that she may keep others from being alone in their hell. She never wants anyone to feel like she does or hurt like she does or think like she does or see like she does. She feels she is a protector. It is her job to protect. No matter what, she has to do everything she can humanly do to keep you safe and to help you...even if helping you makes her hell worse...even if saving you tears her apart. She isn't important. You are important. Your happiness, future, and life are important. Not hers. She is insignificant. Her only use is to be helpful and to protect. To be the girl you can tell anything to. To be the girl that you can ask to just shut up and listen and she will actually shut up and listen. To be the one you can take out your anger on or your pain. It is her job to be the one you can punch when you need to hit something. You may bruise her. You may scream at her. You may call her all the awful things you can think of. That is how she feels useful. When you hit her and get out your anger, she feels good. When you scream out all your anger and pain at her, she feels good. When you take things out on her instead of who you want to, she feels good. If yelling at her keeps you from yelling at your boss, she feels good. She feels accomplished. If she hurts you, she has no reason to live. If she can't be your outlet, she feels useless. If she can't be the one you can come to for any thing or tell anything too, she feels unneeded, she feels like she doesn't need to be alive anymore. If you hide something from her in an attempt to not hurt her....she will be more hurt by that than anything you could have said. If you can't or don't come to her when you need to talk to someone, when you need to vent, when you need comfort...then she sees herself as useless. She will be hurt. She needs to be needed. She will do anything for you. If you need to talk to her but don't want the advice or don't want anything to be said, just want to get it out and be done with it, all you must do is tell her and she will listen without a word. If you need to tell a secret she will keep it safe for you. If you need to cry, she will hold you. Anything you need, you just have to tell her. If she isn't doing what you need, you just have to tell her. She will fix it. She will be whatever you need her to be. But, she needs you to need her. It's the only thing keeping her alive. Being needed is her only reason for living. Trying to keep others from hurting like she does is her purpose. Being the friend you need is her purpose. Helping others is her purpose. If she loses the ability to help you or can't keep you safe, she will lose herself. If she isn't truly needed...she will break. If you can replace her..she isn't doing her job right. She doesn't need you to tell her how good a friend she is. But if she is a bad friend, she needs you to let her know how. She doesn't need a thank you, but it might make her smile to hear it anyway. She doesn't need to know what about her you like, but it might help her sleep at night. She doesn't need to know how much she has helped you, she only needs to know if she has been no help at all or made it worse. In her mind, everything is her fault and if it is not she will find some way for it to be her fault. It will never be your fault. To her, you are too good to be at fault. People may think she is strong for these things. People may think that being able to fake so well and do so much makes her strong...but she is never good enough. She is never deserving. She is never good enough to be your friend, your sibling, you daughter or anything. She always needs to be better in some way. That is her. That is all she is. And if you ever meet her remember this. Remember how much strength it takes to pull all this off. Accept her. And if you ever learn to love her...remember how she is. Remember....she isn't just another girl.
She by Kaitlin Tormey is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License.
